H/S Conversations
by Jakub Ceglarz and Anastasjia Starikova
THE CAT TALK
On the balcony. Sun is high in the sky; The Children are playing in the yard outside the house.
H:
(lights up a cigarette with the orange lighter)
Yesterday I spoke to my dead father, he seems to be doing okay.
(takes a puff)
S:
(wears a see-through blue dress and takes the cigarette from H’s hand and smokes it)
I am so over my father, he was rude and didn’t like cats.
(gives a cigarette back)
I love cats.
H:
(smokes a cigarette)
I was always more of a dog person.
S:
(looks at H)
Did you ever had an affair with a cat?
H:
(smiles)
No, but I did see it on TV.
S:
(Takes a cigarette from H’s hand again)
Well you should try it.
(takes a puff)
Cats are better than fathers.
(throws the cigarette on the floor and doesn’t step on it)
The Children, who are environmentally friendly, look in terror at this phenomenon.
H:
(looks at the cigarette)
Oi! I didn’t finish that yet!
S:
(Goes inside. While crossing the doorway turns and sneers at H)
Yeah, but I did.
THE BUSINESS
H and S are walking through the park with graves. It is a cloudy day and the sun is poking through the clouds. The Children are poking back at the sun.
H:
(looks at S)
How is your business going?
S:
(opens a bag and gives H a business card)
I have business cards now, with my name on it.
H:
(looks at the card)
Wow…There it is, your name…
S:
It is very exhausting to run a business these days with cards.
(looks at H)
Did you enjoy the font I used?
H:
Yes. Very professional. It is responsible for creating a dysfunction it what might be considered as metaphysics.
S:
(smiles)
Thanks. I thought it might do that, but I wasn’t sure.
H:
(looks at S)
Well it does. Congratulations. How many of them did you print out?
S:
Five. Want to grab a coffee?
THE BAGEL
The coffee shop is almost empty. It starts to rain. The Children are hiding under cocktail umbrellas.
H:
BAGEL! BAGEL! A KINGDOM FOR A BAGEL!
(Glues his face to the cake display)
S:
(Opens up a notebook and reads out to the barista)
I wish to purchase two units of black Colombian coffee.
H:
(still glued)
I don’t see!! I don’t see!!
S:
(reads from the notebook)
NO! I do not want milk in my coffees!
H:
Oh look, there is an empty sofa over there.
S:
(still reading from the notebook)
Sofa is a good place to sit.
The rain stops.
CRAZY AND THE TWO MOTHERS
They sit on the sofa, facing each other. CRAZY is a silver fluid that tends to leak from various holes in the human body, usually nose but also occasionally vagina and/or anus. The Children are outside reproducing.
S:
Your CRAZY is leaking through your nose again.
(takes a napkin and wipes H’s nose)
H:
Oh, thank you.
S:
Would you like some baby blood in your coffee?
(takes a sip of coffee)
H:
Let me try it in your coffee first.
(takes a sip of coffee)
mmmm…baby blood tastes good in the coffee.
S:
(starts to levitate)
H:
You are levitating again.
(puts a hand on S’s knee and brings S back to the sofa)
S:
Sorry, I just thought of my mother.
H:
(CRAZY starts to leak again)
Damn, you made me think of mine.
S:
Is she still swirling in your head?
(takes a sip of coffee)
H:
(takes a sip of coffee)
Yes. She is middle class now, and she speaks tongs.
S:
Mine is sitting on the throne made from my mistakes.
(starts to levitate again)
H:
(puts a hand on S’s knee and brings S back to the sofa)
THE HANDSOME LAD
H and S are walking through the crowded street. The Children are nowhere to be found. Handsome Lad passes them.
S:
(smiles)
H:
(looks at S)
You smiled.
S:
(looks at H)
Do you want to do it again?
(smiles)
Whole situation repeats itself until infinity.
THE PARIS
They sit in the hotel room on the king size bed. They are in Paris. The Children are French.
H:
I think I should text him
(takes a mobile phone from the side table)
S:
(while brushing her teeth)
No!
H:
Why?!
(holds the phone in the shaky hand)
S:
(throws toothbrush at H)
Last time you almost died!
H:
(tries to hide under a blanket)
Well ... now you can save me!
S:
(picks up the toothbrush and puts it in between H’s teeth)
Fine!
H:
(writes a message and immediately has a seizure)
S:
(picks up a book about gardening from the other bed stand, starts to read)
H:
(continues to have a seizure)
ABOUT CARROTS AND LOVE
The two are far away from each other. S writes on typewriter' H writes on his pad. They are smoking one cigarette. The Children are causing distortion in nature.
H:
(eats carrots while writing about love)
S:
(eats love while writing about carrots)
H:
(while typing: LOVE LOVE LOVE)
The only things that I have to offer are: bad judgment and personality flaws
(bites on carrot)
S:
(while typing: CARROT CARROT CARROT)
Well, you do have some good qualities.
(bites on love)
H:
Like?
(bites on carrot)
S:
You have a nice set of hair.
(bites on love)
H:
Really?
S:
No.
A = A
They are in the garden full of amazing flowers and buzzing bees. Sun is warming their bodies while they lie on the grass in their swimming suits. The Children are swimming in the ocean that is always around the corner.
H:
Owoce z drzewa zjadly moja dusze...dusza byla chora i potrzebowala doktora.
S:
I don’t find your words to be of any context to my current situation. My A is not equal to your A.
H:
aaaaaaaaaaaaa
S:
aaaaaaaaaaaaa
Children:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaa
FUCK THE FRACTALS
They sit in a crowded bar. Girls are flirting with boys and boys are having erections. The Children are being made in the toilets.
S:
(opens S’s skull and takes out a part of the brain from it)
H:
(opens H’s chest and takes out a part of the heart)
S:
(grinds a part of the brain and part of the heart with the fist)
H:
(putts smashed organs into a bowl and starts to whisk them together)
S:
(lights up a cigarette, stolen from a whore who sits on the next table)
H:
(is breathing heavily - whisking takes a lot of energy)
S:
(puts ashes from the cigarette into the mixing bowl)
H:
(punches a random guy sitting next to them)
S:
(looks into the bowl)
H:
(looks into the bowl)
The Bowl has spoken.
THE POSTCARD
They are in the bedroom of yet another hotel. Window blinds are closed. Only little bit of sunlight comes into the room revealing dust suspended in the air. The Children are hiding under the bed waiting to become someone else's monsters.
S:
Where are we?
(opens the door to the closet in the room)
H:
Always here.
(lies in bed)
S:
I need to send a postcard to my beloved from here. Do you think I should write that I miss him?
H:
I miss him. I love him.
S:
I don’t miss him. I don’t love him.
H:
(sings)
I don’t miss him. I don’t love him.
S:
(finds a postcard with a picture of a circus freak, and writes on it)
Me neither.
LIPSTICK ON THE MIRROR
H and S are getting ready in the morning to go and do things that would be perfect for normal people. The Children are marching in pairs on the pavement outside.
H:
(while reading Barthes)
Mad I cannot be…
S:
(puts on a bra)
H:
...sane I do not deign…
S:
(puts on stockings)
H:
… neurotic I am.
S:
(puts on a black tight dress, red lipstick and height heels. S leaves the apartment but before that S writes on with the lipstick on the mirror : This text bores me)
TO OZ OR NOT TO OZ
They are in the magic land of Oz. The Children are protesting against Wizard of Oz and his lies by blocking The Yellow Brick Road.
S:
I have no desire to conclude this journey - this magical castle is just too far away and everything in here is too bright and shiny.
H:
Stop complaining!
(lights up a cigarette)
S:
(looks at H)
I have no time to complain.
H:
There is never enough time to do anything.
S:
Let's go back.
(takes H‘s cigarette and smokes it)
I prefer cloudy skies and sweaty people.
H:
(wakes up)
Okay.
INTO THE FOG
They are sitting on the roof of a tall industrial looking building. The thick fog covers the streets underneath. The Children are running away from horny pedophiles.
H:
(sits on the edge of the building)
It is very foggy today.
S:
(floats and dances on top of the fog)
This city doesn't have enough light to fight the fog away.
(hovers in the air in front of H)
H:
(looks at S that slowly turns into the fog. First the feet then legs and hips)
People can easily get lost in this fog.
S:
(S is now just a floating head. S closes eyes and whispers before fully turning into the mist)
I am disappearing, but I have so much to say…
(just S’s voice can be heard)
... but I have disappeared.
H:
(lights up the cigarette with the orange lighter)
One can easily lose something important when this city gets covered in fog.
NOT A CLOWN
H stands on one leg on the top of the tower made out of 100000 books. S sits on H s shoulder. The Children are setting the books on fire.
S:
You see it is much more funny that way.
H:
Funny you say?
S:
I used to work in a circus.
H:
And yet you were not a clown.
POST - H/S
by Jakub Ceglarz and Anastasjia Starikova.
S’s MONOLOGUE
Dusk is approaching and the birds are singing outside, but they are invisible. Children are lying around the field like a bunch of boiled potatoes.
S:
I should probably write something.
(Makes a very poor imitation of a bird singing)
S:
What would H say?
(Looks at a Japanese erotic novel lying next to the laptop)
S:
H would probably say something about a princess and a castle, and her mother who is a witch, and who marinated her husband in soda because he was not rough enough.
(Takes a cigarette out of the air)
Thank you.
THE INTERNET
It is navy dark, past midnight and a half moon sings opera making H very unwary. The Children are inside The Internet.
H:
She loves me, he loves me not ...
S:
(Murmurs in a trance)
...ohhh...he does not.
H:
(Takes a cigarette from the moon)
I love her to.
(Goes to sleep)
THE CLASH OF INTERESTS
The room is dark and warm. S sleeps in H’s pajamas. The Children are performing miracles on dead frogs.
S:
(Opens her eyes)
Did I just do something wrong?
(Disappears)
PUTTING ON A DRESS
H and S are in a Department Store. The Children are stealing watermelons and they carry them under their shirts.
S:
I'm dumping him.
H:
(takes a very deep breath)
I thought he was well suited for your purposes.
S:
Yes.
(tries on a dress)
But you can't ask too much of a Z.
(Starts swirling around with a dress)
Look, how many pretty dresses they have!!
H:
I would like to be a mother in that dress.
(stands up)
S:
(Takes a suspicious look at H)
Not my mother, right?
H:
(Puts on a dress)
IN A DRESS
H is wearing a black dress that belongs to S’s mother. The Children are drinking coffee pretentiously.
H:
(In a dress)
My tits are too small .
S:
(Takes off the tits)
Here, borrow mine.
Z:
(Walks into the room)
S&H:
(At the same time)
There is no Z in this story!
THE PARIS 2.0
H and S are back in Paris. The Children are being symbolic.
S:
(Sits on the unmade bed, half naked, looking at the end of a lit cigarette with a surprise)
Nobody ever brought me coffee to bed.
H:
(Talks and screams while he's asleep on the next bed)
NO!! NO!!
S:
Do I not deserve to have coffee brought to me to bed?
H:
(Swirls and screams)
NO!!! NO!!!
S:
(Turns around, switches off H's battery and takes out a burned piece of plastic out of his ear and looks at it)
That's reduced.
THE ZUM ZUM
The room is filled with moths. The Children escaped the prison and are on the run from the government.
H:
(While asleep)
...zum zum zum zum...
(H's saliva drips and falls on the pillow in a shape of a naked woman with a great right breast)
S:
(Smoking in the dream of H)
I will send a message that H can read in the morning and that proves me being here.
(S adds a third breast to the saliva woman)
THE CHRISTMAS
It is a Christmas night, The Children are tied up with chains to their beds at home. H and S are in a bar.
H:
I hate Christmas.
(Looks around in a search of a bottle of whiskey)
I wish I could be dead on Christmas.
S:
(Gives H a revolver)
Here. I will resurrect you tomorrow. My grandma taught me how. Actually that's how I was born, but they never talk about that in my family.
Z:
(Comes running and lands on a bar stand)
S:
(Looks at Z and sets him on fire with an orange lighter)
I don't think Z was that good of an idea .
H:
(Smiles, and shoots Z in the face)
Z is dead to me.
(spits angrily on the floor)
S:
Another bottle of whiskey please.
H/S Conversations from beyond the station
By Jakub Ceglarz and Anastasjia Starikova
RED TRAIN
The red train is slowly filling up with people that try to get away from the station. Station is not at all crowded as people feel that they belong in the place that they are in. Children are waiting on the tracks to be run over by the train.
H:
(Listens to the music and looks at the train timetable)
This one goes here, that one goes there. I am nowhere and have no place to go.
S:
(As a voice in the head)
I am with you, now and beyond this point.
Crowd gathers around them and listens to every single word that they are saying.
H:
(Tries not to move because each move can distort the crowd around him)
They see us and I am not sure where to go.
S:
(Suddenly appears behind the crowd, starts pushing the crowd and shouts)
MOVE!!! MOVE!!!
(S approaches H, smiles and says)
You got any cigarettes?
H:
(Opens his suitcase, and a millions of cigarettes spills from it and onto the platform)
This should be in H/S
By Jakub Ceglarz and Anastasjia Starikova
APPARENT DEATH
From the grasps of the cold winter air H and S hid in the cosy 2m by 2m apartment. The Children are frozen and will awake with the coming of Spring. Spring is a bad time of the year and a silly name for a child.
S:
(Tries to write about apparent death and drinks coffee)
S:
(Finds apparently dead fly in her coffee and she immediately shows it to H)
H:
This Fly is being overly dramatic.
S:
Yeah… what a pretentious bitch!
SPRING!
Winter stopped and ferrets and other woodland creatures woke up to the sun. The Children are gathering supplies for the coming of Armageddon. Armageddon is confused about his own timeline.
H:
(While contemplating his mortality)
What is Buddha?
S:
Buddha is a Latvian word for a doghouse.
But it is pronounced ‘BUDA’
ARMAGEDDON!
The Children committed themselves to psychiatric ward as to await the coming of Winter. Winter is an eleven year old girl who lives in the woods with her best friend - Squirrel aka. Revenge.
H:
I need another coffee, and another, and another…
S:
Make a coffee bath. Then you won’t run out of it and it will stay fresh.
H:
Apparent Man Found Apparently Dead in the Bathtub Filled with Coffee!!
Concern Neighbours:
He always kept to himself.
S:
(is typing)
S:
Next to the bathtub they found three dissertations and fifteen novels. All were crap.
H:
The Russian Woman wearing aggressive pink lipstick and holding on to a dead cat and drinking a Turkish coffee says:
Russian Woman:
THOSE BOOKS ARE MINE!!!
S:
The moral of this story is…
ALL TOGETHER:
(Singing)
More coffee you drink, faster you work, but it doesn’t make your stuff better.
WINTER!
The sound of the rain comes through the glass roof. H sits next to the radiator warming his hands and heart. S is figuring out the way to kill Aristotle with the help of language.
H:
I will read you something.
S:
(Holds a language in her hands and stands over Aristotle who looks unconscious)
H:
The surface floats within the boundaries of the frame. The skin bends with every motion and reacts to every external impulse. It shivers with pleasure and bruises with pain.
S:
(Carries a fatal blow to Aristotle head. Language is soaked in blood)
It is nice. You should do it in big letters.
H:
The surface floats within the boundaries of the frame. The skin bends with every motion and reacts to every external impulse. It shivers with pleasure and bruises with pain.
H/S Conversations after midnight
By Jakub Ceglarz and Anastasjia Starikova
SWEETS
Everything is at it supposed to be. Sky is blue, grass is green, and children are innocent.
S:
When I woke up this morning I thought of the most curious thing…
H:
Like a marshmallow dildos?
S:
Yes!
H:
Wait a second … when did we woke up?
